Numb.

I tried to catch up seemed to be not enough to actually be on that spot. I don't want this to be another failure, I can't accept defeat so easy. I want to try to do everything that I can, I want to fight, I want to prove you wrong, I just don't want to give it all up.

After a week of crying and venting it all out, I realized that I just don't want this to end so easy. I at least want to try to fight what I want him to feel. He was cold all along, we weren't really fine despite of trying to cheer and warm things up. I know, it wasn't that easy yet I tried to be calm about it, understanding that the thing that we've gone through was a tough one. I want to make myself be patient and to stop all the pessimism, after all I've been the person who always looks at the brighter side of everything, it worked for me for a long time and hoping that this time around it will too. Days went by, just as gloomy and cold like the other. Then it came up to my senses, I thought I was so close to actually reaching it but when we got there, I'm not even halfway.

After a while I thought of surprises, I thought of giving in, I thought I didn't know what I was doing, I felt weakness inside, it felt a bit insane, it drove me crazy to the point that everything that I was trying to do didn't made sense to him, I thought I was pointless, I thought I had no choice. I thought that maybe, the more I hurt myself the more everything will sink in, I was pretty overwhelmed that everything that I was trying to do didn't appealed anything to him. Then again, it tore me to pieces. It just keeps on tearing me apart.

Until when will I cry, when will I try, when will I hurt myself, when will I learn to love myself first. It wasn't easy, it's really tough but I know myself. I know I don't give up easily, I know I try to exhaust everything that I can to be there, to get it. I should not give up this time, not this time around. It gave me strength on the start yet always leaves me wounded and hurt and pain in the end. When will I learn. I know myself on handling something like this, I've been in a series of break-ups and heartaches. I would've known better.

Like a normal person, I know I get tired too. I get tired of fixing broken things, tired of understanding vague scenarios, just tired of solving. I need a break as well. I'll go on and face this battle, I'll let you decide on things.. I know someday I'll be fed up but just this time around I'll let this pass.